So, I just finished dropping ‘the man’ off at the airport. He had a layover at home last night, which was just schweet! As I’m driving back home, I started thinking on how far we’ve come since 1993. We met in 1993 over the Internet. He was on the west coast working as a corporate pilot and on his ME (multi-engine) time. I was on the East coast attending classes for my engineering degree. Between 1994 & 1998, he’d switched from corporate pilot to flight instructor, flight instructor to regional pilot and he’s now a first officer in one of the legacy airlines. It took him about two years of flight instruction as a CFI and about a year and a half at the regional airlines before he had enough minimum total time to qualify for the major airline move.

DH had to re-learn how the female psyche works. What I mean by that is that he had gained some knowledge about females up until he met me by going out with other girls, seeing the claws, learning how girls are really weird and all that fun stuff. But, if he really wanted to keep this one - he would had to go above and beyond all that he had learned previously and adjust his attitude so he could understand why I'm different from all of them. One major attitude adjustment for him was that he had to learn how to be more sensitive and that when I complain, it's not only hormones, PMS or my "irrational" behavior. I had to teach him that if I had a complaint – it was a serious matter to me, even if it seemed totally wacked and off the wall to him.

Most of my complaints dealt with time issues and schedule issues and most of all the concept of "we revolve around the airline". To me, they were very harmful to our relationship and I didn’t like it one bit, I didn't know how to adjust. At times, I would complain about the same things over and over again to try and get my point across. That drove him bonkers...So, DH would constantly have to continue to explain what we were doing and where we were trying to go so that I could put myself "back on track". Most of the time, it was really difficult for him to take me seriously because he didn't understand that I didn't understand why we had to revolve around the airline and not vice versa - again, it has to do with the learning curve of life in the airlines.

I had to learn all about patience and understanding. I found it amazingly difficult to comprehend this point "Until he got to where he wanted to be - in his choice of major airline - our relationship was going to stay 2nd priority and his career path would remain 1st priority". After dating continuously for 3 years, I really started to wonder - where we were going? For the life of me, I could no longer see a light at the end of the tunnel. I had a lot of depression spells, cry/scream sessions and times where i would just get completely fed up with the whole idea of getting married, having kids and taking on the attitude of ‘he can pick his own damn self up at the airport’ since his car was at the base hub and I didn't live in the base city.

At the time, my priorities were also in the wrong place. I was focusing on where I thought I should be at my age and not on where I wanted to be. Girls my age (25) were getting married and having babies and I felt like I had nowhere to turn and no one to talk to who could relate to my relationship. I was getting into that age bracket where it’s more difficult to find a man whose not married, divorced or who didn’t already have children – not that there’s anything wrong with those men, it just wasn’t what I wanted. My girlfriends would tell me dump him, start dating again and see if I could find someone more stable, more in the 9-5 position that would always be home. Honestly, I didn’t want to do that because I knew he was "him" – had known that since the 3rd email ...and I really enjoyed having time to myself, not to mention the future possibility of traveling everywhere.

So, that's about the time DH started teaching me how to stop looking too far into the future. Take one day at a time, one project at a time. So after about a year or so, I got used to only looking at the day I was on and not thinking about tomorrow which actually helped when my mother went through breast cancer & eventually lost her battle. At the time, to think about tomorrow was more and more difficult and sad for me – so I only focused on what I could accomplish today, how I could make things better for myself and for us and to this day, that really works in helping keep things sane both in and out of the household.

Over time, I got used to how things were going to be, came to my senses and calmed down some. Realizing that, at times, I - was - in the wrong and I really was being overly sensitive, not to mention selfish.

Men in their typical growth pattern are not ‘taught’ to be sensitive. So, teaching him how to be more sensitive took just as long as him teaching me how to cope with the unusual life we would eventually lead. I learned there were just some things that couldn’t be changed unless he changed careers and that wasn’t something I wanted because I knew he'd be miserable doing anything BUT flying.

After working on these "minor" issues, we started working on the major time consuming issues. Time Management for example. Any type of time management was extremely difficult to work on because we weren't living in the same house much less in the same city. Until we were living in the same house, I considered him on borrowed time. I was lucky if I got to see him twice a month or not at all… forget about seeing him during training - that a good 3 to 6 weeks right there. But we still kept in touch fairly well, we emailed on a daily basis or talked on the phone....and THEN we found cellular phones and what a blessing that was! We’d call each day just to hear each others voices and yet, even with having all of the ", I still had a difficult time with it because I wanted ‘qualtiy time’… 'quality time' to me was my quality time with him… and I always questioned when would it would be 'my turn'? my turn to be priority numero uno.

He couldn't understand why I couldn't see it. I'd always ask him "what do you mean? what don't I see?" and he would say "I'm doing all of this for you, you ARE priority #1". For about 5 years, he was always coming and going – his schedule being number one and to me, that just wasn’t satisfactory. He always told me he was working his way up for us... "everything I’m doing is for us" he’d say. I always thought it was for ‘him’ because it was HIS career; it was where HE wanted to go. The reason he’d worked so hard to build his time so quickly and was always gone was so he could eventually be with me full time and so we could stabilize and settle down.

Unfortunately, my not being priority #1 was a really hard swallow during all of our dating years. I think I could honestly say that was my number one complaint and the issue that had the most nit picky disagreements. Now when I think back upon it, I see it as a turning point. About the time I was going to dump him, I realized how utterly selfish I was being and if I was him, trying to get my career up and running towards a tunnel of stabilization, I would have dumped him (ie: me) a long time ago because with the tables turned, I know he would have supported me every step of the way!

Granted, we STILL have to sacrifice A LOT (in my opinion) as far as time and scheduling goes – but it's still worth it. All the memories we've accumulated thus far and all the learning curves we've been through have been well worth the effort.

Now, I’ve gotten used to dealing with the schedules and with how "our life" works. I have to admit that it's still not easy.. but it has gotten easier. Dealing with schedules is...hmmm...how can one put it… a very tumultuous experience that has to be done each month. Most of the time, we can’t even find out what the next month is going to look like until we get a third of the way during the current month… we normally can’t plan anything and if we do, he has to bid around it thereby, usually exchanging a good schedule for a crappy schedule. That really is the one of the worst sacrifices we have to deal with in our relationship. I don’t know how I would or could change it except to bid every 2 months in advance so at least you can plan some things out to accommodate family life.

All I know, is that our relationship works best because we understand how bad scheduling can be and that we have to work around it anyway possible. Someone asked me once, long time ago, would you rather have him working 9-5 if he could be home every night? Absolutely not! The thing I like about DH's career – is that he goes to work, is gone for 3-4 days and when he comes home, we technically fall in love again because of the old adage "Absence makes the heart grow fonder". There's nothing better than sending your loved one off to work and then welcoming them home and falling in love all over again week after week!! Plus, I get what I call – 'me' time. My ‘me’ time is spent doing the things that I can actually get done when he’s not around. House errands, paying bills, hanging out with my women friends, working on websites or spending quality time with the cats. When he’s gone, I can get just about anything done, go anywhere, eat anything, do anything that strikes my fancy. I make it a point of going out with the girls once or twice a month – it keeps me young and it keeps our relationship young. I think once you stop going out and spending quality time with your friends – you lose a part of yourself.

I'm a very independent person and only recently have I been able to create or I should say, let out, my dependent sense of self. We both need these two "sides" of me. DH needs to know that I can effectively take care of myself & the house/cats/car when he's gone and I need to know that I can let him take charge when he gets home. I grew up with my independent self and i've never known that I could be dependent. I don’t know what I would do without my independent self when DH's gone – Independent Kristie is a lot of fun but she’s also much more confident in that she can handle things on her own around the house. DH's much more confident that he can leave the 'Dependent Kristie' behind because he knows the 'Independent Kristie' will take care of her and together – those two can accomplish anything. Yes – it may seem as though I have split personalities and there are times when 'Dependent Kristie' comes out when she's not supposed to – like when I get creeped out at night (which happens). But it really helps me be able to do all the things that have to be done with DH isn't available. It does take about a full day to put the 'Independent Kristie' away when DH gets home (THAT gets frustrating! Haha), she just so used to being herself especially since being dependent isn't her strong suit. But, for me, it really works well this way. DH likes knowing that I can take care of myself when he’s gone, that way – he doesn’t have to worry so much when he walks out the door, wondering if he’s doing the right thing, the right career, going down the right path etc.

Most of our sacrifices now seem like a very moot point. They were huge at the time, but are small peanuts now because they just seem so dumb – now we wonder why we even bothered to argue about it. Although I have to say if I were to have the chance to do this relationship over again – I probably wouldn’t change anything - because the challenges on our plates made us better peeps!Personally, I wouldn’t change DH's career for anything in the world. It’s a part of who he is. It lives and breathes through him and he always a smile on his face when he comes home. It's led to good things, good memories and I'm pretty darn sure it'll lead to a very good future. Not everyone has an opportunity like us pilot girlfriends do. Most couples do the same ol, same ol… get married, have 2.5 kids, work 9-5, grow old, retire THEN travel etc. etc.. we have the opportunity to view life in a very different aspect. To appreciate life, travel, appreciate each other – each day we get, each minute we get before they go to work. We understand more about what it ‘takes’ to ‘make’ it work and we strive to do just that. Not that many couples work as hard as us pilot families to ‘make’ it work and most don’t understand what type of spirit and determination you must have in order to accomplish such a task. We’re very rare and unique individuals. We have heart, soul, passion and the ability to adapt. We have the ability to travel frequently and enjoy our freedom and we have the ability to have ‘our time’ and ‘me time’ where others may not have that. We have so much to lose; yet much more to gain and to offer and we should use that – to help others, to help ourselves. So many of us go through such difficult transition phases, like I did, and then realize how much they learned and how much they appreciate having to go through each transitional phase. Who wants a normal everyday life when you can take life by the cahones and mold it into what you want, what you dream and what you can nurture?! That’s what these relationships are all about and even though I’ve gone through some very tough times – each difficulty was worth it, in my opinion, to get to where I am and WHO I am today. I would have never met ‘me’ if I never met the man who helped bring ‘me’ out – and I don’t think he has any idea how much I appreciate his very presence in my life.

I hope you appreciate yours – because it really is worth the effort!!

Thanks for listening

Kristie Taylor